You Are Not Your Thoughts
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You go to a job interview, and it feels like it went well. Later, however, you have a thought that brings attention to something you said, a tone of voice, or a reaction from the interviewer, and you start doubting yourself. Maybe you're able to stop here, or perhaps the thoughts start spiraling down, making you see the worst-case scenario and feel anxious and insecure.
How many times have you felt bad because of your thoughts? How often have your thoughts spiraled down, making you doubt yourself, think you're not enough, that you're a terrible person, or so many other unsupportive things? How many times have your thoughts about a situation got in the way of you being able to truly enjoy a sunset, a dinner, a movie, or even a vacation?
You're not alone. The good news is that you have a superpower you might not be aware of: the ability to 'control your thoughts.'
What are thoughts anyway?
Thoughts are simply sentences that happen in our minds. We constantly receive information through our senses and analyze it to make sense of the world. By doing this, our mind associates circumstances and situations with emotions and memories, giving them meaning and creating thoughts and ideas.
It's common to mistake facts with thoughts but, because they're attached to opinions and emotions, thoughts are not the same as facts. As soon as a sentence in our head has a qualifier it's not a fact anymore: it's a thought we have control over (once we're aware of it).
Let's take an example that we have all experienced: traffic jams. What's your reaction to that concept? If you've thought something like, "Argh, traffic jams are the worst," I'm sure you're not the only one. However, even if many people have the same opinion, that sentence is not a fact. A traffic jam is simply a road full of cars, making them go slower than usual. That is a fact, and it can be proven. It's not positive or negative; it just is. When you're giving meaning to it by saying "it's the worst," the sentence becomes a thought. Some people might have different opinions about traffic jams. My opinion about traffic jams will depend on my mood that day and how I feel internally, although now that I know I can control my thoughts, traffic jams can become an opportunity.
We have thousands of thoughts a day. Thoughts are constantly popping up in our conscious awareness, and without having any control over them, we can't stop them from coming. What we can do, however, is observe them and choose how to interact with them.
Why the negativity?
In one word: survival.
Millions of years ago, our ability to identify threats and dangerous situations was necessary for survival. Our brains evolved to look for danger. Even though we don't have predators to run away from today, we're still wired to experience negative situations and events more intensely than positive ones. This means that negative experiences influence us more.
Take the job interview example from the beginning. You were feeling good about it, but then your brain (wired to focus on the negative) started working on finding what could cause the worst-case scenario. Why? To prepare you for it so you're protected. I know. Thank you, brain. But I don't need that right now.
The problem is not that our brain does this; the problem is that we haven't been taught how to compensate for the negativity bias and how to deal with a mind that starts throwing everything at you that could be interpreted as bad or negative. This can make you feel hopeless, powerless, insecure, anxious, you name it.
Additionally, more often than not, we make spiraling thoughts worse by asking the wrong questions. Suppose you suddenly think, 'You interrupted the interviewer several times.' Then you start thinking about it and may ask, 'Argh, why do I always do that?' Would this be something you ask? If so, I want you to think about your brain as a Google search engine.
If you were to type, "Why do I always interrupt people when they talk?" Google would literally answer that question by giving you all the reasons why you might be doing that. It won't tell you, 'No, you don't always do that' or' Don't worry, it's not as bad as you think'. If you ask yourself that, your brain will act like Google giving you the reasons; it will not try to persuade you of the contrary or help you look at the situation differently.
The impact of thoughts
The quality of our thoughts has an immense impact on our well-being. We've seen how we tend to look and focus on the negative. When we don't pay attention to our thoughts, we risk being our worst critic, feeling bad about ourselves, and having a negative view of the world. We risk operating and interacting with the world from that place, possibly even feeling like a victim of any circumstances or challenges that happen in our lives.
We've seen that many unpleasant emotions arise when operating from this negativity bias. When we haven't learned how to regulate them in healthy ways, we turn to the coping mechanism we've integrated that has helped us. This bias perpetuates our emotional eating habits when that coping mechanism is food.
Being intentional
Hopefully, by now, I've shown you that something isn't inherently good or bad until we give it meaning (positive or negative) with our thoughts. You know that our brain works for our survival, which makes it focus on the negative. You see that, even though we can't control the thoughts that come, we do have control afterward.
With all this information comes our superpower: the power to intentionally choose the thoughts we have.
Being intentional with our thoughts means that, when an idea pops up, we can choose how to respond to it in a more positive and supportive way. We can either let it spiral down to the worst-case scenario or stop it and shift it. It also means paying attention to all the meanings and judgments we attribute to everything around us in our daily lives.
When we are more intentional with our thoughts, we live more peacefully because we're better able to stop spiraling negative thoughts and understand the power we have over our mood and ability to enjoy life.
In real life
To see the power of being intentional, imagine you're visiting a friend who is terminally ill. As hard as it may seem, the person being sick terminally is not something good or bad; it's a fact. It's something we can't change, we don't have control over it. Of course, we can agree that losing a loved one is painful, but that's because we attribute thoughts and emotions to the situation and the person. Someone who doesn't know your friend might feel empathy, but they won't feel your pain.
How would you feel in this situation? Do you think about how sad it would be? Or do you think about the opportunity to be with that person one more time?
That is our power. We can see a precious opportunity in what can be perceived as an unfortunate and disheartening moment. You can either spend your visit thinking about when they won't be here anymore, thinking about what they'll miss, how sorry you feel for them, and the sad side of all of it. Or you can be grateful to be by their side. Thankful for all the moments you had together and for the opportunity to be able to talk to them and hold them one more time.
Can you see what you could miss out by not thinking intentionally?
Have you ever heard that suffering is a choice? This is where it comes from. When you understand that you have control and a choice, regardless of your situation, you can shift your perspective to a more supportive point of view and way of thinking about it.
Train your brain
Shifting to intentional thinking doesn't happen overnight. In addition to being resistant to change, our brain is wired to focus on the negative. But our brain is also malleable, meaning we can change the usual pattern by practicing and repeating. Think about it like a field where there's a clear path, which is what we've always done - unintentional thinking. Now, we're moving away from that path, and by going through it time and time again, the grass will get stepped on to form a new path while the grass on the old path will start growing again until that path doesn't exist anymore.
Acknowledge this superpower
Learn to differentiate between facts and thoughts
Look at the facts and identify the emotion and story you're attaching to it
Shift your attention to what you can control
Practice being present
You are not your thoughts
Thoughts are stories we tell ourselves to make sense of the world. They give meaning to our reality, but that doesn't mean they're true. At least not for everyone. One might think pink and red go well together, while another doesn't. No one is right or wrong; it's just two interpretations of reality.
Understanding how thoughts work can help us see that they do not define us. Instead, we are defined by the actions and behaviors we choose in response to our thoughts and emotions.
Nothing is horrible or amazing in life until we decide to make it feel that way. It can feel scary because we know we are responsible for choosing how to respond to an event or circumstance. We want to 'do it right,' but taking a step back is often difficult. However, I like to look at it as a superpower because while I believed all my thoughts before, I now know that I can change them in a way that supports me, even if sometimes it's not easy.
Thought work is an important part of any healing journey and is essential to ending our emotional eating habits. If you’re ready to take action and finally break free from emotional eating, join the priority list to be the first to know when the LIVE course and group coaching program open its doors.
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