Offense is not the best of defense: Change the way you argue
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Two friends are having a coffee. One is constantly looking at her phone. The other responds, "Will you stop looking at your phone? Are you here with me or somewhere else? You do this a lot!" The first one says, "What are you talking about? I'm not always looking at my phone!" She tries to defend herself because she feels attacked.
This conversation can go wrong quickly if it is not handled appropriately. This goes for any conversation where two people may have different points of view or see reality in a different way.
This pattern, however, can be changed. And when you do so, you can transform any conversation into a learning experience and an opportunity to connect with yourself and with others.
If you wonder how, keep reading because I will show you that it's possible, how to do it, and the positive impact it can have on your relationships, your relationship with yourself, and your health and well-being (including emotional eating habits).
Two ways of arguing
One of the most important pieces of advice my dad gave me was, "In an argument, express how you feel rather than defend yourself."
Think about most of the arguments you've had or witnessed. I dare say that, in general, we start accusing each other for what the other said or did; we tend to exaggerate things by using words like "never" and "always," and often, we say whatever is in our mind without really thinking about the consequences—all in an attempt to defend ourselves because we feel attacked. Sometimes, it can get pretty ugly.
But let's say that instead of accusing or defending, you start by saying how something makes you feel. You're not telling the person they're wrong or bad; you're not accusing them. You're sharing with them how you perceive reality so they can understand you better and have the opportunity to share their view, too. This way, you can work together toward a resolution that works for both of you. It can be an opportunity to deepen the relationship through open, effective, and honest communication.
Which one would you rather nourish and make your way of communicating and arguing?
Science backs it up
My dad's advice was good; even though he might not have known, it's backed up with neuroscience.
In the first example, we're using system 1, like autopilot mode. We make associations without thinking and reflecting and probably do not genuinely listen because we're thinking about how we can respond to defend ourselves.
When you switch to system 2, like in the second example, you acknowledge what the other person feels, take time to think, and weigh your words to ensure good communication and avoid hurting the other person. While operating from this system, we intentionally choose our words, ask questions, and regulate our emotions so that we can have a rational conversation using our prefrontal cortex.
Most of us never learned how to argue constructively (using the right operating system in our brains), but this doesn't mean we can't change. That's the beauty of our brain and the power of awareness! Science proves we can rewire our brains and decide to act and work on creating change. The more you practice, the better you get at it. I'm sure it's not the first time you hear that. And it applies to everything, even when talking about arguing.
Switching to expressing how we feel is not enough if we get carried away in response to what the other person says. Because of this, it's important to make the intention of having a constructive conversation, take time, and keep calm throughout the conversation.
Feels impossible?
If you think or say things like "I'll never be able to do this," "This is impossible to achieve," or "I can't do it," you're right; you won't be able to. Just because that's what you're stating, if you believe you can't do it, your brain will give you all the reasons why that's true. However, if you shift that thinking and work on changing, you'll teach your brain a new way of doing things. And your brain will learn it. If this is you, the first thing to do is to work on your mindset because those thoughts that hold you back, come from a fixed mindset (aka I can't change or improve).
We can't change unless we want to, so you must ask yourself, "Do I want to improve how I communicate with people?" What will I get from it?" "Why is it important to me?". Once you know why this shift in mindset and communication is essential to you, you can start working on your mindset. I have a whole blog post explaining the difference between fixed and growth mindsets and how to change them.
How to have a healthy argument
When you're the person needing to talk
- Take some time alone to get clear on what you want to express and your intention.
- Don't start a conversation when there's little time. Having constructive conversations takes time, and neither of you must feel the pressure of time.
- Take a moment to return to the present through breathing before approaching the person you need to talk to.
- Express how you feel
When someone comes to talk to you
- Take a few deep breaths to ensure you don't let your mind react without thinking.
- Acknowledge what the person expressed.
- Ask questions to make sure you understand what they're saying and ensure you can continue the conversation without misunderstandings.
In all conversations/arguments
A conversation can start smoothly, but the tone can change if someone misinterprets something, fails to express themselves in a constructive way, or gets carried away by their emotions. In either case, always remember:
- Breathing will help you keep calm and give you time to listen and think about your response
- If you start feeling a flare-up, take time to understand what triggered it and what you can do with that information
- Ask questions to make sure you understand what the person is saying and avoid misinterpretations and misunderstandings
- Always remember that you can move away for a little while to calm down, get your ideas in place, and avoid getting too emotional. If you decide to do so, you must explain to the person you need a break so they don't interpret that you're walking away; instead, you need some time to reconnect with yourself so you can after communicate more efficiently.
Benefits of learning to have healthy arguments
When you can have constructive conversations instead of ugly arguments, you build better relationships with others and yourself. You don't have the regrets you could have had in a defense-attack argument. You learn about yourself because you're expressing your feelings and perceptions of reality in a 'non-heated' way, you learn about the other person's perception of reality, and you're paving the ground for a more mature and safe relationship. But you also gain self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth because your interactions are healthier and more supportive, and they help you grow.
Applying effective communication is a form of self-care. You're working towards better relationships with others and yourself, growing and acting in a way that aligns with your values and the kind of life and relationships you want.
It's also a great opportunity to bring mindfulness. For effective communication to be successful, you need to be present in the conversation, listen to the person (without having your mind looking for the best answer), feel how your body reacts, and listen to your thoughts so you can make intentional decisions on how to respond in a supportive way.
A note on Emotional eating
If we look at the impact this can have on your emotional eating habits, there are a few things to mention. The first is that the benefits mentioned before have a positive impact on our emotional health.
When facing an argument, an emotional eating episode can happen before or after an argument (or even both).
If we are the ones who need to talk about something and fear it's not going to go well, uncomfortable emotions may arise with all the thoughts that predict how bad the conversation could go. So we may eat because we're anxious about it, or we may eat to procrastinate the conversation.
We can also turn to food after an argument because, when it's not a healthy conversation, there's a big chance that we end up with uncomfortable feelings toward ourselves, the other person, or even the world. Eating foods we like can be a way to deal with the whole situation.
What does it look like? (an example)
Let's apply all this to the example at the very beginning of this post, where two friends are getting together to have coffee, and one is constantly checking their phone.
There are different ways we can make this conversation something constructive:
When the first friend feels that the other is constantly looking at her phone, instead of accusing her of doing so, she could say something along the lines of "I feel that you're looking a lot at your phone. Is it all good? Are you waiting for an important call, text, or email?" Here, no one is accused of anything. Instead, they explain how they perceive the situation and ask questions with curiosity and compassion to understand.
However, suppose the first person fails to communicate constructively and accuses the other of always being on their phone. In that case, this person can choose to respond without defense and accusation, for example, saying something like "I'm sorry you feel this way. It was not my intention," and then she can explain if there's something or not.
Take away
At this point, you might think that this seems difficult. And yes, it is. It's not what we're used to doing, and it's not the way we were taught to argue and communicate. But as you know now, we can choose to change and improve.
Shifting the way you argue and communicate will take time. You might succeed one time and not another, and that's okay. We aim for progression, not perfection, so it's important that when you're not able to communicate effectively, you bring curiosity and compassion to understand what happened and learn from the experience so that next time, you're empowered with that knowledge.
By practicing healthy and effective communication instead of heated arguments, you'll be working on becoming the person you want to be, growing, and improving your health and well-being.
Throughout the years, you’ve learned a lot about food, your body, your emotions, and yourself. Some of those beliefs are holding you back from breaking free from food guilt and body shame and becoming the person you want to be. If you’re ready to rewire your brain to finally overcome emotional eating and your struggles with food and your body, I’d love to have a chat.
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