Have any of these happened to you?

You had a conversation with someone and feel uneasy about how you reacted.

Your kid was insistent about something, and you answered in a way you don't feel proud of.

You got home, and your husband didn't clean the kitchen, and you started an argument.

If they have, you're lucky! Yes, I said lucky.

These situations can help you better understand yourself. When you know yourself better, you can change to become the person you want to be. However, we become our worst bullies when we don't use these situations as learning opportunities.

A thought that spirals

What do all those situations have in common?

In all of them, you feel bad about how you reacted and overthink it.

Our mind is a master at creating worst-case scenarios. It does it for survival, so we are prepared for what could come. This was helpful hundreds of years ago. But in modern society, where we don't have to look out for bears or lions, spiraling to the worst can bring us pretty uncomfortable feelings.

So, you were reactive. You might realize it immediately or when you relax after a busy day. Nevertheless, your mind goes to that "thing you did," and thoughts start spiraling.

- About the situation:

"I shouldn't have said that," "I shouldn't have responded that way," “I was too reactive," "Was I too serious?"

- About the other person:

"Now she thinks I'm rude/stupid/crazy/lazy...," "My kid thinks I'm bad," "He's going to stop loving me."

- About yourself:

"I always do the same," "I'm so stupid," "I don't learn," "I'm a bad person," "I'm a bad mom," "I don't set a good example," "I'm too impulsive," "Why am I like this?" 

- About the future:

"I'll lose my job," "She is going to tell everyone," "She's never going to talk to me again," "I'll never learn," "My kid is going to hate me," "I'm going to end up alone."

 

How do you feel with all these thoughts coming to your mind? 

With these kinds of thoughts, it's not possible to feel great! 

You're worrying about things you can't control (what happened), assuming what others might think, making up a future you don't know will happen, and judging and beating yourself up. By getting stuck in those kinds of thoughts, you're not doing anything other than hurt and punish yourself further. 

Where does it lead to?

All these thoughts and judgments affect us and raise uncomfortable feelings toward ourselves and the situation. We're angry at ourselves, worried, regretful, feel bad people, and so on. These can go so far as to create anxiety and stress because we're making scenarios in our heads that feel like a threat to us.

Many of us haven't learned how to feel those emotions, tolerate the discomfort, accept them, and cope in a healthy way. And many of us have learned that certain foods we love help make us feel better, even if it's only for a little while. 

Unfortunately, this doesn't end here because often, when we eat emotionally to deal with our emotions, we don't eat just a little piece. We start eating and end up overeating. After this, we feel guilty and ashamed for what we ate. And we might keep eating to deal with even more uncomfortable emotions, telling ourselves things like, "I've started, so why stop?" 

Yes, it might not make sense, but when food gives you comfort, you need comfort, and you don't have other mechanisms; food helps you feel better because of all the chemical reactions that happen in your body when eating those foods. 

Understand the situation

Getting stuck in those thoughts is anything but helpful. Before turning the situation into a learning experience, we must control our thoughts and stop the negative self-talk. We need to move from our emotional brain to our rational one.

The good news is that the best tool for doing that— you have it with you all the time—is breathing.

Take a few deep breaths. In through the nose, expand your belly, out through the mouth, and contract your belly. Do it a few times. If you're thinking: What? Don't underestimate the power of breath to bring you back to your body. By returning to your body and connecting with your breath, your mind will calm down and stop all that thinking.

But only breathing is not enough.

After you send that calming message to your brain and body, you'll have a better mind space to look at the situation objectively without attaching any emotion or opinion. Then, ask yourself what's bothering you about the problem and why. 

Take our first example, "You had a conversation with someone, and you feel uneasy about how you reacted," and consider it a fact, explaining what happened. 

It could be something like this: “I was working on a project when a colleague came to ask me something, and I quickly replied loudly, 'Not now,' without giving her a chance to talk to me. This bothers me because I didn't even give her a chance to speak; I was reactive. I saw in her face that she was not expecting me to react like that. I don't want to be reactive like this.”

When wanting to improve, it's inevitable to face things about yourself. Some of those things are uncomfortable, and it's difficult to admit them because they do not reflect the person you want to be. And that's okay because the fact that this is bothering you means that there's space for change.

Acknowledge with compassion

The first step towards change is awareness, so when you bring awareness to these traits of yourself you don't appreciate, now there's no step back. You know there's something you don't like, and now you know you can change it. 

When observing those thoughts, it's clear that you're judging yourself. Judgment is by far not the best motivator for change. So, instead, let's bring compassion and change the feelings that come from those negative thoughts around what happened and how you acted. 

- Challenge each thought by proving that they're false: are you really a bad person? Are you reactive 100% of the time with everyone? 

- Don't compare yourself to others. You are you; only you know what you have been through and what might cause you to do whatever it is. In the same way, you're not other people, so judging them without knowing their circumstances is making a misinformed opinion that might be far from the truth.

- Tell yourself what you need to hear. You're human, and we all make mistakes. Now, focus on using them as a learning experience. Be your cheerleader, not your bully.

- Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. We tend to be harsher on ourselves, so shift your talk and be your best friend. What would you tell her/him?

- When those thoughts return, have something to respond to and change them. Let's say that you start thinking, "I'm too reactive; I'm never going to change." How can you rephrase that in a more supportive way? It could be something like, "I feel that I tend to be reactive, and I'm learning to improve." It needs to be something that feels true to you. It doesn't have to be positive; it can be neutral, but it has to resonate with you.

Acknowledge with curiosity

At this point, you've calmed your body and mind, looked at the situation objectively, analyzed what makes you feel uneasy about the whole thing, and moved away from judgment to compassion. 

You conclude that you didn't act in a way that feels aligned. You don't like the way you reacted. It's not about what others may think of you or what's expected of you. It's about how you feel about your actions and how aligned these are with your values and the person you want to be.

So, you're not happy with the way you acted. Now it's time to understand why you acted that way by asking yourself some good questions:

- How did you feel when you reacted that way?

- What thoughts did you have just before? And during? And after?

- What was going on before the "incident"?

- Is this a way you tend to react? If so, why do you think that is?

Returning to our example, we can imagine it was a busy day at work. You were working on a project with a close deadline. Maybe your boss had been rude to you before that, or you had an argument before coming to work. So maybe you were stressed, anxious, and sad. And when your colleague came to you, you thought they were coming to ask you something. You felt overwhelmed and couldn't control the way you reacted. 

Now, are these good excuses for the way you reacted? No. It's not about finding excuses; it's about understanding why you responded in a way that doesn't make you feel good about yourself and might hurt others.

What happened could be a behavior caused by your state at that moment or the circumstances before it led to your reaction. But sometimes, it comes from something more ingrained in you, something you learned throughout the years that helped you survive. But you don't need it anymore, so now you can make the changes to react in a more supportive way that aligns with who you want to be. 

Apply forgiveness

To you and the person you wronged. 

It would be best if you forgave yourself. Remember that you're human, and we all make mistakes. Remember that you're working on becoming the person you want to be, and you want to learn from your mistakes. Write yourself a letter and tell yourself all you need to hear to forgive yourself.

You can't change the past, but acknowledging to someone that you did something wrong can be very healing for both of you. Saying "I'm sorry" is a way to show care, love, respect, empathy, and self-reflection when it's done from the heart and followed by actual change.

How can I change this?

First, reflect on what you can learn from the situation.

When you detect something you don't like in yourself, you've done the first step, which is not easy. It would help if you held onto that awareness so that you can pay attention to how you interact and react with the world in your daily life. 

The moment you feel triggered, it's essential that you take a couple of deep breaths before doing anything else. Excuse yourself if you need it, and step away before you say or do something you don't mean. Something triggered your emotional brain, and you need to give control back to your rational brain.

Then, look at the situation triggering you as a circumstance, a fact with no emotions and opinions attached. Watch the thoughts that are coming up about the situation and challenge them. Remember that you're not your thoughts; they're not a part of your identity; you can change them. It's a superpower we all have, and we should all be taught from a young age. 

You'll have to tap into compassion because only practice will allow you to make this a real change. Remember why this is important to you: you want to become a better version of yourself, one in which you breathe before reacting so that you can choose how you want to respond, one where you learn from your mistakes.

Wrap up

When we're triggered, it's not easy to reason; our emotional brain takes over. But as you pay more attention to catching the triggers, you'll get better at choosing your response, at least most of the time. We're humans, and we, even the most aware, can be reactive and make mistakes.

Thoughts are powerful, but you're not your thoughts. You can change them, which means you have control over how you feel about a particular situation and how you will react to it.

Our relationship with food, body, emotions, and ourselves impacts our lives and how we show up in the world. If you’re ready to re-wire your mind and break free from food guilt and body shame, overcome emotional eating, and become the person you want to be, let’s have a chat.

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