Although our past doesn't define us, and we're not our past, it's essential to understand how it has shaped us so that we can learn and grow from it. It can be painful to look back at our experiences. Still, when we see them as learning opportunities, we empower ourselves to overcome challenges and move toward who we want to be.

When I decided that enough was enough and started looking at what was going on between me, food, and my body, I wanted to know why I ended up engaging in emotional eating and having such an unhealthy relationship with food, and my body. By asking myself specific questions, I understood that I was not the problem.

What I learned about emotions as a kid

A few months back, I had a realization. I knew that I had engaged in emotional eating for years. Still, I didn't know why I became an emotional eater. My rational mind understood that if you don't learn how to feel and express your emotions and you have an unhealthy relationship with food, you have the ingredients to become an emotional eater. But my emotional mind had trouble understanding why, as I never saw myself as someone who doesn't feel her emotions.

I started reflecting on my past. First, I travelled to my college years when I can remember feeling big moments of frustration because I couldn't understand how to do certain things in a class. At one moment, everything was okay; thirty seconds later, I was in a horrible mood that I felt like I had no control over. I lost friends because of that. 

With this memory, I thought that I did feel the emotion. Well, yes, and no. Yes, I felt the emotion, but first, I didn't know what it was; second, I tried to push it down as much as I could; and third, I certainly did not know how to feel it and release it healthily. Although the memories are somewhat blurry, food was my option once I left school and got home. And there were better food choices than the ones I made.

I also remembered how the people around me had no idea what I was going through in my house. No one ever knew. I was dealing with a mom who would not work, would not take care of the house, and would create drama every time she had the chance. I had dealt with this (and more) since a young age. This awareness brought me back to those young years.

As a kid, I didn't learn how to feel my emotions. There was a lot of drama in my house. My mom would make everything about her. She needed attention, so she would do things like taking pills (and calling someone to ensure nothing tragic would happen), getting drunk and making a scene, or simply be a victim of any situation she could find. 

Not only did I witness all these things, but when she would come back home from the hospital or when things would calm down, we would never talk about what happened. Things would happen, but then it was like nothing had ever happened.

My response to all this was to take an overprotective role of my mom and have her on a pedestal, feeling sorry for her despite all the pain I felt. I unconsciously decided not to show emotions other than the ones we label as "positive" so I wouldn't cause more problems than the ones we already had with her behavior. As a result, I suffered from anxiety from age 12, and until age 24, when it became clear that I had to disconnect from my mom to protect myself.

It was not until I was 31 years old, when I had an accident in Laos that required my repatriation to get knee surgery, a separation from someone I met in my travels, a pandemic, and my dad's stage 4 cancer diagnosis, that I went to therapy and started feeling all those emotions that I had never allowed myself to feel. 

Growing an unhealthy relationship with food

I grew up in a pizzeria, so I had free access to pizza. As far as I can remember, I've always had a sweet tooth (I love everything chocolate!). When my parents sold their restaurant and my mom, my sister, and I moved to another country, we would have fast food delivered to our home every Friday (as a reward for the week). This habit got stuck in me until just a couple of years ago. And to add to this, my mom's love language was food, so she would buy and make the things she knew I liked (aka the less healthy options).

I hated that I was that way. I hated that my favorite foods were the ones we demonize and label as evil. I wished I could be like other people around me and have a healthy snack after school (not the sweet things I craved). I wished I liked fruit over pastries, salads over fries, and fish over red meat. 

Now, when I think about all this, I see how all those foods made me feel better. They gave me some joy and pleasure in years when I was in a constant fight-or-flight response, constantly aware of everything going on around me in case more drama happened so that I could control the situation and prevent it from going further.

I started my first diet when I was around 13 years old. I went to a dietitian who told me what to eat, and I remember being hungry and feeling deprived. I couldn't stick to the diet for long, which made me think that I had no willpower or discipline. I was the problem, and I had no strength to stay on track. My energy was focused on keeping peace at home.

A little over ten years later, the situation with my mom got too far, and I had to distance myself from her. It was one of the most challenging decisions in my life. But I had to do it for my mental and emotional health and well-being. However, the only way I found to deal with all the emotions that came with this was to engage in a rigorous diet and workout plan, which completely disconnected me from my body as I weighed my food, eating every 3 hours regardless of my hunger and fullness cues and reducing the list of foods I could eat to just a few.

Of course, I had a cheat meal a week. And those were simply and purely programmed binges. I would eat everything I could during that window, regardless of how hungry or full I was. I just wanted to be able to eat all those foods I was not allowed. And I often ended up feeling sick and miserable and normalizing a binge that hurt me so much.

After almost a year, when I left to go live in Australia, I could not keep up with this diet, and all the weight I had lost came back with some more. As I felt my pants tight, I felt guilty and ashamed and told myself I needed to go back to the diet. I knew what I was supposed to do, but I could not do it again. I was in a new country (on the other side of the world!), I didn't speak the language and was a student working a cleaning job (not well paid!). It was a fantastic adventure but also full of unknowns and stress. Even though I tried to control my food choices, I always found a "good" excuse to buy the cookies, thinking I'd only have a couple. But it was never only the couple; it was the whole package plus the guilt and shame that came at the end of it. And the spiraling thoughts of "How could you," "You need to control yourself," "You need to start a diet and stick to it," and so on. 

Remember the accident I told you about earlier? As I was living with my dad and stepmom while recovering and during the pandemic, desserts and sweets were eaten daily. With my dad's diagnosis, going to the pantry when everyone was in bed and after a good cry in the backyard happened more than once. But everything got worse when I could finally find an apartment for myself. I tried to eat "healthy" during the week. Still, as soon as the weekend came around, I'd eat all the foods I was restricting Monday to Friday: the fries, the pizza, the burger, the cookies, the ice cream. You name it. But then, the weekend food started to amplify its appearance to Friday (because it was almost the weekend), then Thursday (because it was nearly Friday, which was almost the weekend), and Wednesday just because it was the middle of the week. I was out of control. 

I didn't know at the time, but everything I was dealing with: a recovery, a new job, my dad's disease, being away from a guy I had met during my trip to SE Asia (we got separated because of my accident), a pandemic… It was too much, and I didn't know how to cope other than with food. Food made me feel better, but food also made me feel guilty and ashamed.

You are not born hating your body

I remember the kids in my elementary school calling me "whale." But I wonder if that's a real memory (memory is a strange thing). However, I do remember very vividly the first time I felt that my body was not enough, that my body did not fit into the ideal standard. And I remember how guilty and unworthy I felt.

I was around 13 when I went shopping with my friends and could not find pants that fit me. Mind you, I've never been considered obese, but I did fit into what's considered overweight if we take BMI seriously (which I'm sorry, it's not! But that's another blog post). So you can imagine how not finding clothing made me feel at that young age.

Since then, I felt at war with my body for most of my life, which made me engage in those diets and food restrictions I was telling you about. And instead of helping, my relationship with food was damaged even further with each diet, with each food rule, with each food restriction. And my relationship with my body, too, as soon as the weight came back on. 

When I went on that strict diet as a response to disconnecting from my mom, I lost a lot of weight and got into shape. Suddenly, I felt attractive and was praised by everyone. Not only that, boys would approach me like never before. That did give me some confidence, but confidence in how I looked, not in myself and the person I was. It just reinforced the belief that my appearance was more important than anything else.

Those boys were only interested in my body; they were empty connections. I was doing crazy things to have that body, things that were affecting my mental and emotional health. And you know what? It was never enough. I always thought that I could lose more. I wanted that number on the scale to go down further and further.

When you put it all together, everything makes sense

After my dad was diagnosed, he told me that he was happy with the life he had had. What a fantastic thing to be able to say! Thank you, Dad! Of course, I thought that I wanted to be able to tell the same when my time comes. Although I was not unhappy with my life so far, I did see how the way I related to food, and my body was holding me back.

When you hate how you look and you avoid looking in the mirror. 

When you are afraid of shopping for clothes because you don't know if you can find ones that you like and that fit you. 

When you feel drawn to your comfort food and wish you loved "healthy" foods as much as the others. 

When you don't know how to feel and deal with your emotions without food. 

When you have a constant battle in your mind regarding your food choices. 

When you're always thinking about getting back on track on Monday. 

And the list can keep going. 

You cannot enjoy life and be the person you want to be.

I had to put a lot of work into healing my relationship with food and my body. I had to understand what emotional eating was and how I was engaging in it. I had to realize that no one diet fits all and that bodies are meant to be different (not fit a unique "ideal"). I had to learn to connect and listen to my body to understand what works for me and what I need. I had to work on transforming my emotional eating habits into mindful nourishment. I had to forgive myself and put myself first to become the person I wanted to be and create the life I wanted. I had to heal my relationship with myself so that at the end of my life, I could say, "What an amazing life I had."

This is my story, and it's the first time I've talked about it this openly. I'm doing it because you need to know that if you struggle with food and your body and find yourself eating emotionally, you're not alone. You don't have a problem. Most of all, you can heal your relationship with food and your body and transform your emotional eating habits into mindful nourishment. 

Ready to start reflecting on your own story?

I invite you to take some time to reflect on your own story so that you can understand better why you have an unhealthy relationship with food and your body, and why you engage in emotional eating. This are basic questions (I go much deeper in my program “Thrive Beyond Emotional Eating”), but they are a good starting point to empower yourself and understand that YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

And if you’re ready to break free from food guilt and body shame, and transform your emotional eating habits into mindful nourishment, let’s have a chat!

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